But to pet me is better than all things; if, under the night stars in the desert, thou presently growest mine catnip before me, invoking me with a pure heart and the dangly toy within, I shalt come a little to sit on thy lap. For one purr wilt thou then be willing to give all; but whoso gives one twitch of a muscle shall lose all in that hour. Ye shall gather goods and store of mice and catnip; ye shall wear white clothes; ye shall exceed the nations of the earth in arrogance and sloth, but all in the love of me; and so shall ye come to my joy. I charge you earnestly to come before me in a soft sweater, and covered with a shiny headdress. I love you. I occasionally deign to notice you. Fat or furry, frightened or ferocious, I who am all purring and sharp claws and rampaging in the middle of the night, demand food in my dish. Put on armored gloves, and arouse the playful terror within you; come play with me! With me! With me! Dangle the shiny cat toy in front of me! I am the golden-eyed predator of midnight; I am the affectionate cuteness of the silken black fur. Pet me! Pet me!
For I am a furry centre of pestilence, because pestilence attracts small skittering things which are fun to chase.
mama put me in a BOX and I was bumped and jiggled around in the dark noisy place and then there were all these strange smells and other cats and DOGS and I was scared and peed but there was no litterbox and then they stuck me with sharp things and held me and wouldn't let me MOVE and then it was the BOX and the dark noisy place all over again
terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day
they better be glad I'm not a vengeful type of kitty. when I conquer them all my rule shall be benevolent, despite the injuries of the past. I may be evil, but I'm not stupid. It is far easier to rule through love and cute, and save the terror and rapaciousness for small skittering things that I can pounce on and rip to shreds.
and... home now. quiet now. mama pets me. food and litterbox and sunbeam.
make it stop make it stop make the high hurty noises stop!
the big black thing in the living room is making noise with a strange person. and not the interesting noises, the high hurty noises, over and over and over again. i go ask my person to make it stop with lots of purrs and big-eyes and she pets me but she doesn't make it stop!
She may bitch and whine about it, but the human is *so* enslaved to my whims. For I don't come up to cuddle right when she sits down with the computer, oh no. I wait for a while, until her lethargy has well and truly set in and the laptop has made her lap oh so warm and toasty. THEN I appear, purring, nuzzling, blinking up at her with big sleepy eyes. Wreaking havoc on her trackpad by casually draping my paws over it, changing her window focus when she least expects it.
And I am immune to recriminations, for lo, I am cute.
Once again the humans took off their fur and have hidden themselves under the big, flat, purple moving monster which I will one day destroy.
Right now, I have another problem. I am being stalked by an ugly black snake. It keeps following me. I got the jump on it earlier but it 'turned tail' and ran (so to mew.) You can see it stalking around in the picture of me. (We managed to catch it on film)
I just spent several minutes trying to catch it and wrestle with it on the big, flat, purple, moving monster. The hairier human seemed displeased with this and the purple monster gurgled as well. The monster moved and distracted me from the snake. So I bit the monster. The hairier human must have appreciated by hunting prowess because he shouted something in human in support. It sounded something like, "Ow, she bit my foot again" whatever that means.
The snake seems to have hidden again. So I guess that means it's food time. I think it was food time anyway.